Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category
Global Warming Causing Freezing Temperatures, Experts Say
As the world seeks to learn more about the phenomenon known as global warming theory, experts seek to provide the public with more and more knowledge. The latest release from global warming experts has some in panic, some puzzled and some still eating frozen fish sticks while watching Dancing with the Stars.
Global warming theory, the theory that human activity is causing the earth to warm to environmentally dangerous levels was made popular by Al Gore shortly after he invented the internet. This is precisely the reason many believe in the theory. A man that can invent the internet in his spare time while being a career politician and then turn around and know the human activity is ruining the planet without conducting any science of his own is obviously a man people must trust for information of this magnitude.
Global warming deniers claim that because global warming cannot explain a trend opposite to that of global warming theory, global warming theorists and believers have conveniently changed the name of global warming to global climate change. Abra Cadabra! We still have a crisis. Break out the compact fluorescent light bulbs and new government taxes!
With that, progressive think tank Scientific Hypothetical Intellectual Theory (S.H.I.T.), a group associated with Gore’s global warming efforts, released the stunning information that global warming may actually cause freezing temperatures. For Gore supporters and global warming believers, this is yet just one more piece of conclusive evidence that the threat of global warming is very very very very real.
Jedidiah Suzuki, an activist working on legislation that will give squirrels and possums equal rights to America’s roads, says that the new release of information has helped him clarify some recent questions, “It all makes sense. Lately I have been freezing my ass off. It has been unusually cold. My cars doors have been freezing shut, pipes in neighborhood houses freezing. It’s crazy considering I live in Georgia. But when this study came out it all made sense. I mean what else could be causing such cold temperatures but warming?”
White House Press Secretary Gibbs vs Santelli – I Choose Santelli
Gibbs is a government guy. Last time I checked, the governments and politicians have been lying to us forever.
Here is my assesment of Gibbs…Piece of shit.
He is pretty flip for a public servant of a country whose economy is completely fucked. By the way, the politicians fucked it up. Not Santelli. Not you. Not me.
Ignore America if you like dickhead…but America is pissed.
What a huge prick!
Republicans Just Starting To Realize Supporting McCain Was Stupid
As the Obama administration begins to lay the groundwork to destroy America as we know it, republicans across the country are just starting to realize how stupid they were for supporting John McCain. Middle class Americans who will be bent over and violated by Obama’s big government nightmare are beginning to feel deeply what a mistake it was to support such a steaming pile of a candidate.
Republicans who Supported McCain Are Now Wishing They Were Not Such Dumb Shits.
Many true conservatives and even some republicans who had more than two neurons firing during the primaries knew what a warm cup of piss John McCain was and had warned people not to vote for him. True conservatives argue that McCain was just a product of open-style primaries, such as in New Hampshire, where democrats can vote in the republican primary and did so in large numbers.
These folks argue that McCain was voted for by democrats because he was far and away the weakest candidate. Once he got artificial momentum, the mainstream media pumped McCain up and the spineless GOP supporters just followed along like zombies say some.
Karen, a conservative from New Hampshire says ” I don’t know one person whose head is not up their ass that thought McCain or Obama was a good choice. The GOP had a huge opportunity and they nominated an old popcorn fart that was no different than Obama except McCain probably has a better jump shot.”
E.T. Fan Club Not Fans of Hillary Clinton.
ET fan club pissed off at Hillary Clinton.
The ET fan club recently gathered to express their disapproval of Hillary Clinton, as any smart person would do. Mind Stew staffers wanted to get comments from ET himself but he was unable to be contacted.
Mind Stew was not able to reach ET by phone for comment
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Note: This is a fake story. Just having some fun.
Politicians Want Another Pay Raise
Politicians are once again claiming that they deserve another raise. Although the economy is at its worst since the Great Depression brought on by the Federal Reserve Bank and prolonged by the terrible policies of Franklin D. Roosevelt, politicians believe they are entitled to some more money.
When asked how they could even think of doing such a thing when fucking up the country so badly, one politician said “The people have no idea how hard we work. It’s hard work debating the other corrupt party to see who can stick it to the tax payer worse while still maintaining popularity”
Politicans Serving The People. Be Proud, America. Be Very Proud.
The question was also asked about a possible negative reaction from citizens of the country. A long tenured congressman replied “Are you kidding me? The American people are morons. Most of the people don’t know their ass from their elbow. Do I expect the country to object? Hell, I don’t even expect the country to know.”
Another politician echoed the same feeling. Although he didn’t offer any official comments, he laughed his ass off for several minutes. While doing so he rubbed his index & middle fingers against his thumbs.
To gather some public reaction a reporter went to a local Taco Bell and spoke to some patrons. When asked about the prospect of politicians once again giving themselves another raise which will be taken out of taxpayer’s wallets, Dina Worthington, an aspiring Rock of Love contestant from Columbus, Ohio said “Can’t you see I am trying to eat a fucking burrito here? Get the fuck out of my face before I stick my 5 inch heel through your eye. “
Nobody knows if or when the politicians will give themselves another raise at the expense of the taxpayer. Although it is almost certain that most Americans won’t have a fucking clue when they do.
— Note: This is a fake story. Just having some fun.
Obama Approval Rating Remains High Among Shitheads
Recent polls have shown that President Barack Obama continues to have tremendous support among the stupid in America. As much as 90% of people which cognitive scientists place in the shithead category not only support President Obama, but blindly worship him.
Shitheads think this guy is one cool dude.
In contrast, other polls taken in the last few weeks show approval ratings dipping due to Obama’s stimulus bill, controversial cabinet appointments and backtracking on campaign promises all within a month of taken office. Still others who scientists say posess a trait past generations called common sense, know Obama is as full of shit as every other politician in the history of the planet.
When shitheads were asked why they supported President Obama they listed the following reasons most often -
Stimulus Passed. Taxpayers Scammed Again.
Congress told us that the stimulus package was the answer to our down economy. They said we needed to move NOW!
President Obama talked as though those who disagreed with the stimulus bill were out of their minds.
Now the stimulus bill is passed and now what?
Screw You Taxpayers!
Fuck you suckers!
The economy will worsen, the dollar’s value will be fried and the government will use your money to grow and move even more socialist.
Is Nancy Pelosi A Robot or An Alien?
Since 2006 when the democrats took over the majority in congress and since dominated the mainstream media networks there has been a question puzzling the nation. Is Nancy Pelosi some kind of robot or is she an alien? One thing is for sure. There is no way in hell she is human.
People are undecided about Nancy Pelosi. Is she a robot or a space alien?
Physical Observations:
- Skin. It looks as though she has some sort of synthetic skin covering. It could be some kind of bio-mechanical material draped over a mechanical or extraterrestrial skeleton.
- Eyes. Always open to the point it looks insane, her eyes are simply creepy. In addition, her eyes never blink. This has people all over begging the question “What the fuck?”
- Face. Varies greatly in shape and structure from the human species. Again, this appears to be made of some plastic or synthetic material. Definitely not carbon based.
Behavioral Observations:
- This being seems to have no sense of human mannerisms. Its body language is strangely stiff and emotionless.
- Speech Patterns – the cadence of this being’s speech once again has no resemblance to a thinking & feeling homo sapien. Scientist theorize that only after massive doses of barbiturates would a human speak that way.
- Although this being demonstrates, at times, an adult human vocabulary, it almost never communicates a logical thought. In addition, this being thinks and speaks in a way consistent with what psychologists refer to as “batshit crazy”.
Who Needs To Read The “Stimulus” Bill?
So, a bill that is supposed to stimulate our economy was passed today. Want to know the most interesting thing about the stimulus bill? Nobody read the fucking thing. A thousand page monstrosity that is sure to screw you and me was voted through and nobody read it. These arrogant pricks are screwing with our future without even looking at the bill!
