Global Warming Causing Freezing Temperatures, Experts Say
As the world seeks to learn more about the phenomenon known as global warming theory, experts seek to provide the public with more and more knowledge. The latest release from global warming experts has some in panic, some puzzled and some still eating frozen fish sticks while watching Dancing with the Stars.
Global warming theory, the theory that human activity is causing the earth to warm to environmentally dangerous levels was made popular by Al Gore shortly after he invented the internet. This is precisely the reason many believe in the theory. A man that can invent the internet in his spare time while being a career politician and then turn around and know the human activity is ruining the planet without conducting any science of his own is obviously a man people must trust for information of this magnitude.
Global warming deniers claim that because global warming cannot explain a trend opposite to that of global warming theory, global warming theorists and believers have conveniently changed the name of global warming to global climate change. Abra Cadabra! We still have a crisis. Break out the compact fluorescent light bulbs and new government taxes!
With that, progressive think tank Scientific Hypothetical Intellectual Theory (S.H.I.T.), a group associated with Gore’s global warming efforts, released the stunning information that global warming may actually cause freezing temperatures. For Gore supporters and global warming believers, this is yet just one more piece of conclusive evidence that the threat of global warming is very very very very real.
Jedidiah Suzuki, an activist working on legislation that will give squirrels and possums equal rights to America’s roads, says that the new release of information has helped him clarify some recent questions, “It all makes sense. Lately I have been freezing my ass off. It has been unusually cold. My cars doors have been freezing shut, pipes in neighborhood houses freezing. It’s crazy considering I live in Georgia. But when this study came out it all made sense. I mean what else could be causing such cold temperatures but warming?”
Another warm weather citizen, Mary Canary, is not surprised about the latest findings of S.H.I.T. and says this should finally close out the controversial argument. Canary, a professional psychic and palm reader from South Carolina, says she saw this coming “Well, I have always had a special sense about the aura of the planet ever since I was in the second grade. My teacher thought I was just looking for attention by making things up but I am really in touch with the psychic energy that emanates from the hot liquid magma near the core of the planet. Lots of people don’t know that, but I do…well, maybe Al Gore does too. He has never needed any proof to spread the word about global warming. Anyway, I wonder what the global warming deniers have to say about this now? What is their explanation for the unusual freezing temperatures all over the place?”
To get the other side of the argument reporters spoke to Jake Kinsella, an engineer from Atlanta. “Yes, I have read the information. I can’t understand how they get to their conclusion. I am no scientific intellectual who relies on the funding of the people who have invested heavily in the population believing global warming theory in order to initiate a false economy and institute global policy, interventionist regulations and taxes but…when it is this cold I just don’t think it is a theoretical warming trend that is causing the drop in temperatures. I would say it’s probably the incremental weather patterns that have been going on throughout the planet’s existence. But what do I know?”
Clyde Ennison, a physicist specializing in earth’s cyclical patterns, has had a change of heart as of late and has been vocal in his support of this new finding. “After reviewing the data and my previous public comments prior to my termination, I have found that indeed global warming is the cause of freezing temperatures. Consider me part of the consensus.”
While people may be split down the middle on this issue, main stream news networks agree that global warming is the official story and the valid arguments of top scientists in opposition to global warming findings are completely irrelevant. They find that the billionaires who own the networks and have invested in pushing shitty products on people under false pretenses like it better when they talk of global warming theory as a foregone conclusion that will eventually cause the sky to fall.
The weather outside is certainly frightful and freezing. So remember it is cold outside, folks. You better bundle up. There is global warming out there.
